YOU are my sunshine

Posted on annePosted in book reviews/events, Uncategorized

hello everyone, it’s me. finally back, and it’s good to be home.

it has been a very rough couple of weeks. the untimely death of my youngest brother, john, tore into my family with shocking and savage carelessness, and has left us feeling such a loss. thankfully, we do pull together well in a crisis, and good thing, too. really, life is just too short to mess around.

with even the very weather being surly and uncooperative most of the time we were in new york, it was with plain gratitude that i sat here yesterday in my sunny office, reading hundreds of consoling letters and emails containing soft assurances and sincere condolences for our pain. i am so very appreciative for each one. thank you.

my brother was ill for many years with crohn’s disease and lived a quiet, simple life on a very small income, as he was unable to work full-time. his job at the county library led him to achieve a degree in classics and he was working toward a master’s degree to become a librarian. he was passionate about his studies and readings, and when asked, could talk for hours about greek and latin writings. he did not mix his work life with his personal life, though his colleagues from work and school held him in very high regard, and have let us know that side of him finally.

he was not terribly social and didn’t have a lot of friends, but he was thoughtful, honest, and knew what was the right thing to do. he could be very stubborn about his convictions, and i respected and liked that in him, even when i did not agree.

when my brother, joe, david, and i went to clean out john’s tiny studio apartment, we found a neat room with extraordinarily few items. clothes, textbooks, and toiletries all stowed in an orderly fashion—he was not one to collect doo-dads or keep non-essential items around. there was nothing there that did not serve a purpose. in one of the drawers i found this

i knit this sweater for him 18 or 20 years ago, as a christmas gift. it doesn’t look as if he wore it much, and i’d always wondered if he still had it. there it was, clean, neatly folded, and stored in a plastic bag, as were all his nice sweaters. i was so touched that he had it with him, had kept it as one of the few things he moved from one apartment to another over the years.

seeing it made me know that to him, this was an important item, something that was, indeed, to be kept around. i’m sure he admired the workmanship (my brothers all get that) as much as the love that went into making it. it’s presence in that drawer let me know that i made an impression on him.
i was so very happy to see it there.

as with any family mourning time, the days around the funeral involve spending a lot of time waiting, thinking about the deceased, talking with relatives, and sharing meals. catching up with my brothers and sister was good—the kids that were present added laughter and fun to the mix. i am fortunate that i live in a family that understands and even expects me to knit during a time like this. they egged me on through two socks that completed two pair

i also made two hats which i sent home with one brother. then my grown nephew, james, requested a black hat for which i will need to buy some black, easy-care yarn. (i like the mission falls 1824 wool for these hats a lot—it’s really easy to take care of and not at all a compromise for the knitter.)

i packed my knitting as i would for any other trip of indeterminate length—a profuse number of small project WIPs accompanied me, along with a few balls of extra yarn in case i needed to start something new. at the last minute i also threw my joy wheel and a (big) bunch of wool into the back of the car. and guess what?

i almost ran out. . . . you can imagine the panic i felt.

especially when it decided to blizzard last friday, the 16th of march, near the end of our trip. we had to drive from NYC to albany that day and the normally-three-hour trip took TEN hours. at the end, i was out of yarn on one sock and had no more knitting i could do.

on saturday, in the wake of a blizzard which dropped 18 inches of snow on albany, and still snowing somewhat, we drove all over looking for a new yarn shop i had heard about at SPA. i mean, they cancelled the st patrick’s day parade—that’s how bad it was. but i was out of yarn, and my husband loves me, so out we went.

i thought i could maybe find the yarn i needed for my nephew’s hat, or at least some sock yarn. stupidly, i had not gotten the exact information from susan, who works there. we could not find the place, and slunk home, yarnless.

then, when i was tearing through my suitcase like an addict looking for a rock, i found a ball of austermann step i’d forgotten i packed. happy at last. i knit and my mom baked. she made cavazoni (italian chick-pea and honey calzone-like pastries) for st joseph’s day. sorry, no picture of those, but here’s the sock . . .

you see? it really doesn’t take much.

as to the spinning, it was such a smart thing to bring the wheel that i cannot believe i actually had the presence of mind to do it. aside from being the perfect accompaniment to relax and contemplate things, it is extremely entertaining for a family like mine. we are a big bunch of inquisitive, mechanically-minded people whose attention is easily snared by anything that moves and makes something in the process. we like to figure things out. at night, i would pull out the wheel and my brother joe, david, and i would talk about all sorts of things while i spun. i’ll show you what i did tomorrow.

we drove home this past sunday and as we worked our way west, the snow receded; apparently the storm hit a very narow strip along the east coast and barely touched points west of amsterdam. the sun graced our trip with calm weather and we made it back here in record time. i can’t tell you how good it feels to be home. it’s good to be writing and to be talking to friends.

thank you all again for the incredibly nice things you have said and done for me, my brother, and my family over the last little while. it has been strengthening and comforting, and i can only hope to be able to pay it forward some day.

86 thoughts on “YOU are my sunshine”

  1. Dearest Anne, my heart goes out to you and your family. May God hold you in the palm of His hand. Blessings…

  2. Anne, I’m very sorry to hear about your brother. You and your family will be in my thoughts. I know that my knitting tends to be a comfort to me during times of crisis, and it sounds like yours is to you, too. Your brother’s sweater is beautiful; how nice that he kept it as one of his few special things over all those years. Take care.

  3. It’s good to have you back, and glad that we provided some comfort for you. I’m so very sorry to hear that your brother passed. Big hugs, and I’m still sending the positive energy. I like those socks, too!

    The weather here is a lot like the weather in upstate NY, of course. Just when the regular snow melted and even the giant snow banks in the parking lots had started shrinking down to 8-10′, we got another 5-6 inches on Friday-Saturday. Thursday it’s supposed to go up to almost 60°. I want to go outside and dye some yarn.

  4. Lovely to have you back Anne. Thanks for being so generous with us, and sharing so much with us, at such a painful time. Love and hugs to you.

  6. The photograph at the top of this post perfectly symbolizes things: endings and beginnings; the beauty inherent between them.

    My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

  8. Anne I’m so sorry for you and your families loss. I too lost my youngest brother awhile back, the cool thing is they never really truly leave us.

    The weather here has been crazy! Glad to see you made it home safe and sound.

  9. It sounds like you are blessed with a family who when faced with a horrible loss of a beloved member, know the best way to suffer, remember, celebrate the life, and start the healing is to do it together in whatever manner works for each of you. Nothing like the love of family.

    I have a favorite Bible verse and to paraphrase “The LORD so delighted in me that he rescued me from this place”. I hope that you find comfort to know that the LORD delights in your brother in the same way as you.

    God Bless you all.

  10. Anne, my condolences to you and your family during this sad and difficult time. I have lost a sibling myself. I’m glad that you had your craft to keep your hands busy while your mind took it all in. And the craft-tolerating family too! God bless you and your family.

  13. Anne, you and your family will remain in my prayers. May God’s peace and love surround your family as you move through this difficult time.

  14. I extend my sincerest condolences. John sounds like he was a very dear young man who lived a fine — although way too short — life.

  15. Anne, I’m so very sorry. It sounds as though you and your family are dealing with the loss as well as anyone could. Thank you for sharing your memories.

  16. Anne, you are an amazing person to me! Because even in such a time of adversity you’ve come through it with insights and seem stronger for it! Thanks so much for sharing about John with us, it’s such a special and precious thing to do. It sounds like you’ve got a great family, draw strength from one another. David sounds like such a dear, glad you were able to find that sock yarn in the nick of time! And as always your knitting is beautiful. You are an inspiration in more ways than one.

  18. Hello Anne, I’m so sorry about your loss. But isn’t it wonderful to have family around that is so close? Being able to mourn, but later on also to laugh together again and to talk about your dear brother – this seems like a great family.
    Good that you’re back safely – and thank you for sharing.
    All the best from Switzerland Esther

  19. Good to have you back, Anne. How touching and how important for you to find the sweater you had made for John in the drawer.

  20. Anne, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Your story has touched me, and it reminds me of the preciousness of life.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    May this spring be one of renewal and refreshment for you and your family.

  21. It’s good to have you back! My thoughts have been with you a lot over the last week….it’s nice to read that your family found support in each other.

    Hugs!!!

  22. I am glad you’re back and sorry for your loss. The description of your brother keeping the sweater you made all those years ago was very sweet and touching. Wishing you and your family much peace.

  23. Have you read, “The Knitting Sutra?”

    A friend of mine sent it to me, and it’s a wonderful book on the mindfulness and existentialism involved in hand crafting/knitting/crocheting gifts for our loved ones.

    The book expresses a philosophy of knitting as a legacy for others in the future to remember who we were, leaving our mark. And your brother, as spartan as he was as it pertained to worldly possessions valued that sweater you made for him, and by default valued you.

    My belated condolences to you and your family.

  27. I’m very glad to see you back. Thank you for posting about your brother as I wondered what brought about his passing but felt uncomfortable asking you. John sounds like a wonderful person. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s good you had your family there and that you can depend on them during those tough times.

    I can’t imagine almost running out of yarn. Thankfully you found more yarn in your bag, so that you could continue knitting. Knitting is a balm for me in so many ways, I would feel almost lost at times like those. And David is truly a saint to drive through the blizzard-like conditions for your yarn quest.

  28. I am very sorry for your loss. I cried when I read the part of you finding the sweater that you knit your brother. That was beautiful.

  29. Welcome back Anne! I hope each day gets a little easier for you – sounds like your family is great – very supportive of each other. And your husband-yarn shopping in the snowstorm-WOW!The blue sweater….I have no words. Again, I’m so sorry for the devastating loss of your brother. Life is so precious…

  30. it is so good to see you back. not being part of your inner circle i had of way of knowing what had happened..i am sorry for yours and your family’s loss..but it was with tears choked back that i read about your brother’s blue sweater you had made for him so long ago. i understand your brother..i have lost much..but there are a few things others will find one day when it is my time and realize they were special to me also. what a gift from your brother. hold on to that.

  31. Dear Anne, I’m so sorry for your loss and as everyone has said, your brother sounds so special as does your family. I know just where the new LYS is! I just visited for the first time last week. It is neat.

    Blessings to you and your family.

  32. I only found you here recently and am sorry to hear of your loss. Your brother and all your family sound wonderful, and I wish you all much comfort.

    My husband has Crohn’s as well, though thankfully a very mild form – and this time last year we lost his beloved mom at much too young an age. It’s not quite the same as what’s happened to your family, I know…but I certainly sympathize.

    I really enjoy your blog and am glad to see you back.

  33. Anne – I am so sorry about the loss of your brother. I’ve been there, and it sucks. Please take care of yourself, and keep your knitting close.

  34. May I be the 85th person to say it’s good to have you back? How cool to find the sweater you made your brother still stored lovingly so many years later. I was really struck in your post at how much something like knitting can draw people together. The sweater was a physical representation of the love you had for John, and finding it like proof he knew it, and then spinning and knitting gave you and Joe many hours of bonding together. How incredible.

  35. Oh. I have been a little bit indisposed of late, but checking in on everyone slowly. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. You are very lucky to have a family that can pull together in that way, and what a lovely gift from him to you in the form of that sweater.

    I am currently stuck for an indeterminate amount of time without knitting, and it’s awful! But people here, and in this situation, aren’t quite so quick to think that kniting is normal. I’ve even been made fun of simply for spending my time typing online!

  36. I’m so sorry you lost your brother. I’m so glad he treasured your sweater. As a refractory Crohn’s patient myself, it hits close to home. The love is all that matters, in the end, and to have the comfort that he treasured the love that went into your sweater…I’m so glad he did.

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