YOU are my sunshine

Posted on annePosted in book reviews/events, Uncategorized

hello everyone, it’s me. finally back, and it’s good to be home.

it has been a very rough couple of weeks. the untimely death of my youngest brother, john, tore into my family with shocking and savage carelessness, and has left us feeling such a loss. thankfully, we do pull together well in a crisis, and good thing, too. really, life is just too short to mess around.

with even the very weather being surly and uncooperative most of the time we were in new york, it was with plain gratitude that i sat here yesterday in my sunny office, reading hundreds of consoling letters and emails containing soft assurances and sincere condolences for our pain. i am so very appreciative for each one. thank you.

my brother was ill for many years with crohn’s disease and lived a quiet, simple life on a very small income, as he was unable to work full-time. his job at the county library led him to achieve a degree in classics and he was working toward a master’s degree to become a librarian. he was passionate about his studies and readings, and when asked, could talk for hours about greek and latin writings. he did not mix his work life with his personal life, though his colleagues from work and school held him in very high regard, and have let us know that side of him finally.

he was not terribly social and didn’t have a lot of friends, but he was thoughtful, honest, and knew what was the right thing to do. he could be very stubborn about his convictions, and i respected and liked that in him, even when i did not agree.

when my brother, joe, david, and i went to clean out john’s tiny studio apartment, we found a neat room with extraordinarily few items. clothes, textbooks, and toiletries all stowed in an orderly fashion—he was not one to collect doo-dads or keep non-essential items around. there was nothing there that did not serve a purpose. in one of the drawers i found this

i knit this sweater for him 18 or 20 years ago, as a christmas gift. it doesn’t look as if he wore it much, and i’d always wondered if he still had it. there it was, clean, neatly folded, and stored in a plastic bag, as were all his nice sweaters. i was so touched that he had it with him, had kept it as one of the few things he moved from one apartment to another over the years.

seeing it made me know that to him, this was an important item, something that was, indeed, to be kept around. i’m sure he admired the workmanship (my brothers all get that) as much as the love that went into making it. it’s presence in that drawer let me know that i made an impression on him.
i was so very happy to see it there.

as with any family mourning time, the days around the funeral involve spending a lot of time waiting, thinking about the deceased, talking with relatives, and sharing meals. catching up with my brothers and sister was good—the kids that were present added laughter and fun to the mix. i am fortunate that i live in a family that understands and even expects me to knit during a time like this. they egged me on through two socks that completed two pair

i also made two hats which i sent home with one brother. then my grown nephew, james, requested a black hat for which i will need to buy some black, easy-care yarn. (i like the mission falls 1824 wool for these hats a lot—it’s really easy to take care of and not at all a compromise for the knitter.)

i packed my knitting as i would for any other trip of indeterminate length—a profuse number of small project WIPs accompanied me, along with a few balls of extra yarn in case i needed to start something new. at the last minute i also threw my joy wheel and a (big) bunch of wool into the back of the car. and guess what?

i almost ran out. . . . you can imagine the panic i felt.

especially when it decided to blizzard last friday, the 16th of march, near the end of our trip. we had to drive from NYC to albany that day and the normally-three-hour trip took TEN hours. at the end, i was out of yarn on one sock and had no more knitting i could do.

on saturday, in the wake of a blizzard which dropped 18 inches of snow on albany, and still snowing somewhat, we drove all over looking for a new yarn shop i had heard about at SPA. i mean, they cancelled the st patrick’s day parade—that’s how bad it was. but i was out of yarn, and my husband loves me, so out we went.

i thought i could maybe find the yarn i needed for my nephew’s hat, or at least some sock yarn. stupidly, i had not gotten the exact information from susan, who works there. we could not find the place, and slunk home, yarnless.

then, when i was tearing through my suitcase like an addict looking for a rock, i found a ball of austermann step i’d forgotten i packed. happy at last. i knit and my mom baked. she made cavazoni (italian chick-pea and honey calzone-like pastries) for st joseph’s day. sorry, no picture of those, but here’s the sock . . .

you see? it really doesn’t take much.

as to the spinning, it was such a smart thing to bring the wheel that i cannot believe i actually had the presence of mind to do it. aside from being the perfect accompaniment to relax and contemplate things, it is extremely entertaining for a family like mine. we are a big bunch of inquisitive, mechanically-minded people whose attention is easily snared by anything that moves and makes something in the process. we like to figure things out. at night, i would pull out the wheel and my brother joe, david, and i would talk about all sorts of things while i spun. i’ll show you what i did tomorrow.

we drove home this past sunday and as we worked our way west, the snow receded; apparently the storm hit a very narow strip along the east coast and barely touched points west of amsterdam. the sun graced our trip with calm weather and we made it back here in record time. i can’t tell you how good it feels to be home. it’s good to be writing and to be talking to friends.

thank you all again for the incredibly nice things you have said and done for me, my brother, and my family over the last little while. it has been strengthening and comforting, and i can only hope to be able to pay it forward some day.

86 thoughts on “YOU are my sunshine”

  1. Anne, thank you for sharing. John sounds like a wonderful brother, and extrordinary person. The crocus in the snow seems a very fitting picture.

  2. It’s good to have you back and hear that there were comforting moments during your time away. You do have good people in your live. I don’t know if my boyfriend would brave a blizzard to go get yarn. 🙂

  3. Anne, I’m very for your loss. Your brother John sounds like a wonderful guy, and it’s apparent that your whole family loved him very much. Family is really a wonderful thing though isn’t it? Although I’m sad for you during this time, I’m also happy that you have a close family to lean on, one that loves you and supports you, because there’s no other way to make it through a difficult time than with people like that. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers, God Bless.

  5. Dear Anne, I am so terribly sorry for you and your family’s loss. Glad to hear you were able to spend time with them during this difficult time. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to blog–it’s so interesting to see I am not the only one who has knitted through my grief.
    Be well and best wishes, N*

  6. Anne, I’m SO glad you’re back, and that you seem to be coping well, and that your family are all pulling together and helping each other out.

    Finding the blue sweater must have been a very touching moment. Did it come home with you?

  7. I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m glad, though, that your family is a comfort to each other and that you were able to find your brother’s sweater. Best to you and your family.

  8. My condolences to you and your family. It sounds like it was a positive experience for you though, as it reaffirmed your family’s love and support for one another.

    Take care.

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss… it’s a little relief to know that you were with your family and that you were all helping each other cope. You’re in my thoughts.

  10. I’m so glad to see you back, but sorry to read more about your loss. What a sad time, I’m glad you had family there to be with. Wonderful to hear from you again.

  11. I’m sorry to have read that you have lost your brother. My condolences.

    I did miss you a lot and am happy to have you back.

  13. My thoughts are with you. I lost my youngest brother in December ’04 and know all too well the range of emotions. Just know that we’re all out here/there sending you cyberhugs.

  14. Anne, It sounds as though John was a very thoughtful man who put a lot of stock into the things he cared the most for. How wonderful that one of those cherished things was a sweater you lovingly knit for him.

    Although what brought the family together was a sad event, it truly sounds as though you all used the time to strengthen bonds, remember John fondly, and begin to heal from his loss.

    It’s lovely to know that knitting and spinning helped everyone in some small fashion. I love the way you describe your time together. And kudos to your husband for being so understanding of your yarn addiction! You chose wisely when you picked him. 🙂

  15. What a beautiful and amazing post. Please know that in this time of your family’s grief, there are so many of us out here thinking of you and praying for your healing and peace. This will take time, but with each other for support and all of us here to help, know that it will happen. My sincerest, deepest condolences.

  16. I’m glad you are back. I really enjoy reading about your adventures. I’m sorry for your loss. My husband has crohn’s as well. I always have a panic when he gets a tummy ache. I never know what it will turn into. I’m so scared to think about him being sick. Reading about your support is comforting. If anything happens to him, I know I’ll be okay eventually. Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s comforting in a round about way.

  17. Anne, Thank you for sharing. Your brother sounds like he was a great guy who was well loved. Tears came to my eyes as soon as I saw the photo of the sweater; what a comfort that must have been for you to find it. I am assuming it is with you now and will bring you comforting memories of your brother whenever you look at it. I’m glad to hear that you have such a wonderful family who comes together the way yours does; not everyone is that lucky. Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you and your family.
    {{hugs}}

  18. I am glad you were able to find peace and solace in the memories of your brother. What a beautiful sweater you made for him. What a supportive husband and family you have.

  20. My deepest sympathies for you and your family. I’m glad to see you are back and that you and your family were able to be together.

  23. So sorry to hear about your brother. It was nice to hear that your family gathered around during the crisis though. Strong family can pull you through pretty much anything! (and knitting, of course!!!)

  24. Anne, my condolances to you and your family. I’m glad that you were able to take the time to be with your family, to take strength from each other and help each other through. THank you fo sharing your feelings, the crocus, your knitting, and all with us. Be well.

  25. oh dear me. such a lovely remembrance of your brother and his life. tears were welling in my eyes as I read your post.

    so glad for you that you could take the time to be with your family – that helps so much in the healing process. and YEAH for knitting and spinning (so where was that store anyway?)

    may the next few weeks be filled with grace and peace as you move forward.

  26. I am very sorry to hear about your brother. My condolances are to you and yours. The story of your brother having your sweater truly touched me.

  27. You have my deepest condolences. I’m so glad your family and your knitting and spinning were such a comfort to you during what must be an extremely difficult time, and I’m glad you’re back and blogging – your blog and your voice are one of my very favourites.

  28. It’s good to have you back, Anne. When my father was very ill, I knit and knit and knit–it’s so good to have something like that in your life during a difficult time.

  29. May your family find peace and strength…it sounds like you all did just that. Knitting is the one thing you can do in the most stressful of times to find comfort. EZ was so right.
    My heart is with you and your family. May your brother rest in peace.

  30. Welcome back dear. I’ve missed you. I have to ask, though, is one of those socks Navajo? If so, I’m doubly glad I returned it to you.

  31. Welcome back, Anne. Your post was just beautiful. Your brother sounds like he was a special person. It is so hard to lose a family memeber, especially a younger sibling. I know you will miss him and continue to grieve. But I really admire how you see the beauty in life even in the difficult times. My thoughts are with you.

  32. Your brother John sounds like someone I would have very much have enjoyed! I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss, but glad you were able to physically be together to make it through the tough times. Family and friends make all the difference at every turning point in life.
    And thank goodness they expect you to knit!

  33. Thank you for your nice email. It’s wonderful to hear what a great supportive family you have – they must be a great inspiration. It’s good to be with people who understand during times like this.

  34. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Anne. Your family sounds wonderful. I am sure that I am not alone in saying that I’m glad to have you back.

  35. I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and strength in the coming days and weeks. Thank you for sharing your memories and your experiences with us.

  38. I am glad that you are back. I am glad that you have such a wonderful family. They sound lovely. And, I am very sorry to hear about your brother. It sounds like he was a pretty great guy.

  39. Anne, I was so happy to see your brief email yesterday and to know that you were back, I miss reading your blog! I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m close to my brother and it is hard to loose a relationship like that. We got hit with that same snowstorm! Glad you found something to knit!!

  40. Anne, I am so sorry for your loss. It is good that you were able to spend time with your family during this time. Take good care.

  41. ………and all is right (or at least close to it) again. Welcome home my friend! My sincerest symplathies and prayers to you and your family over the loss of John. I am sure he knows what a truly genuine and wonderful sister he had. The sweater is just gorgeous, I am not surprised he kept it neatly encompassed, it was made with love and worn with more.Its where it should be now, right next to your dads. Couldn’t think of a better place for either one. hugs to you and yours from me and mine;)

  42. Anne, it’s wonderful to have you back. You write a terrific blog, and I really missed your always-interesting comments, great knitting projects, and beautiful photos. Thank you so much for sharing this story about how one amazing family has/is managing to cope with such an unexpected personal tragedy. Your brother’s sweater is quite beautiful, and I’m not surprised that he treasured such a gift from his sister.

  43. Oh my. Losing a close family member when they are young is terrible. Your horrible loss brought back memories of my dear cousin who died in an accident when he was only 34, and how his loss shook my world to its core. How wonderful that your brother clearly treasured the sweater you knit for him. He’s not really gone. You still have a life’s memories of him…

    The crocus are gorgeous. Perfect.

  44. So glad to have you safely home. The site of the blue sweater that he obviously treasured all these years brought tears to my eyes. Please know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. But I have to tell you Anne, at this time when you have lost so much I have to remind you about something. I don’t now or ever had anyone in my life who would take me out in a snowstorm to get Yarn!! That is love Hold on to that when times get rought.

  47. Glad that you had a safe trip both directions. Sounds like your brother was a wonderful man.

    I am happy that you are back.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}} Thanks for sharing.

  48. I agree with Fiberjoy, this picture of the crocus in the snow seems extremely fitting indeed. To me, it somehow sums it all up.

    From now on, I think I’ll always be associating Austermann Step with a feeling of relief…

  49. Anne, I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your brother. I have only one brother, and I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose him. I’m so glad your family was able to spend time together, and that you found the sweater you knit for John. It is very beautiful. I look forward to seeing what you spun. I am glad you have David; he sounds like a wonderful husband. I hope spring comes soon to you and brings you and yours new joy.

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